In just about any family with more than one child, the issue of sibling rivalry is sure to crop up. I'd be amazed if it didn't. Bickering, jealousy, competition for attention, and so on, are the norm when it comes to raising multiple children in the same household. So, what can parents do about it?
First of all, be aware that sibling rivalry has been going on since the dawn of civilization (think Cain and Abel), and will probably always be with us. And, to a certain degree, we should accept that it's normal. Even in families where the children are a little older, such as mine, the sibling rivalry can still surface.
Next, be aware of the root causes of sibling rivalry. Some of the most common are: gender, age (including order of birth), personality differences, and the attitude of parents. Let's be honest, parents; the way we treat our children and the rules we apply to them can change over the years, from one child to the next, as we learn and grow as parents. Plus, it's not surprising to see the oldest child treated differently from the baby of the family. Boys may be treated differently than girls, and we may place different expectations on different children.
Thus, parents themselves may be a profound source of children sensing and reacting to some disparate treatment. Even though we, as parents, typically try to treat and love all our children equally and fairly, it's still possible to be inconsistent, to have a closer bond with one child versus another, to be able to get along with one child better than another. Children tend to pick up on the slightest difference in treatment or attitude, and the result is the cry heard round the world: "It's not fair!"
Thus, we see the root cause of sibling rivalry. So, what's the solution? I won't mislead you by saying there is one. However, I've done a bit of research and found ten tips to help parents deal with sibling rivalry.
1. Communication. As with most parenting issues, getting your children to express what they're feeling (anger, resentment, jealousy, frustration, etc.) is a big first step. Then, acknowledge those feelings, validate them, and teach your children to deal with their feelings in a constructive manner. A constructive manner, for example, would be to try seeing things from the other child's perspective, versus a destructive manner (lashing out, hitting, fighting, etc.).
2. Establish household rules. Again, it starts with the attitude and the boundaries you, as parents, bring to the table. Sibling rivalry often results from things - clothes, toys, personal space (bedrooms), etc. - so, by establishing very clear rules and boundaries for your household, you can eliminate some of the most common grounds for arguments between your children.
3. Parental attitude. Similar to tip number two, make sure your attitude is consistent and you avoid making comparisons in front of children. Instead, praise differences and the uniqueness, including talents and interests, in your children.
4. Teach them to work it out themselves. Once you've established the household rules, including treating each other with respect and seeing things from another person's perspective, encourage your children to settle a dispute themselves in a healthy, positive manner. Not only will this make life easier on you, but you'll be training your children a valuable skill they'll use all their lives.
5. Cut down the stress, promote balance. As mentioned in previous newsletters, being a child can be a very stressful occupation. And it can play a big role in your children's moods and how they deal with siblings. By making sure your children are not overwrought, get plenty of rest, eat healthy, exercise, etc., this will help cut down on the episodes of sibling rivalry.
6. Eliminate the guilt. As discussed earlier, every child is unique. Each child has a different place in the family and in the pecking order, which, in turn, can produce guilt in one child, and resentment in another child. The best way to avoid this, once again, is to eliminate comparisons and promote each child's uniqueness and special qualities.
7. One-on-one time. Sibling rivalry is often the result of children seeking attention from mom and dad. So, try spending some quality one-on-one time, where mom or dad doesn't have to be shared with another sibling, with each child on a regular basis. Making this a regular occurrence will incorporate it into the family routine, and give each child something special to which he/she can look forward.
8. Family togetherness. One of the best ways to cut down on the sibling rivalry is to do things as a family unit, as a team. It could be a night out at the movies, at an event, etc. The point being to do something that doesn't involve competing against each other, but pulling together and enjoying together as a cohesive family unit.
9. Have a family meeting. Similar to points one and nine, a family meeting involves both communication and working together as a team. This is a time when feelings can be voiced and dealt with in a constructive manner, thereby role-modeling the desired behaviour.
10. Teach values. This goes for just about any aspect of parenting, but the best way to cut down on sibling rivalry is to instil in your children the values - such as respect for others, cooperation, tolerance, kindness, generosity, and so on - that you want in your children in any situation and throughout life.
Like all aspects of parenting, implementing these ten suggestions takes some work and effort. But the reward will be worth it.
About The Author: Gareth Williams has been an expert in the field of parenting for well over 25 years and is the author of the highly acclaimed ebook 'Harmony at Home - A Parent's Companion'. If you're interested in learning the powerful techniques of the 'Whole Child Approach' which will quickly sky rocket your parenting skills to unparalled success then please visit-http://www.instantparentsuccess.com
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