As my grandma (the Ohio chicken farmer) said, “Nobody’s life is shit-free”. She’s right: no one has parents who do everything right. Our friends let us down, lovers screw up, bosses and coworkers act like morons. There is a huge temptation to blame other people for our problems. As a psychotherapist, I see this all the time, “I’m so depressed because my mother never paid any attention to me” or “I’m so messed up because my ex cheated on me and now I can’t trust anybody.” By blaming other people for our problems, we don’t have to be responsible. We get to be victims, and we get the perfect excuse not to change: it’s all their fault.
Sometimes my clients blame themselves and describe their parents, friends, ex lovers as almost perfect: “I don’t want to blame my parents…they did the best they could” or “It’s all my fault, my ex was a saint to put up with me.” It may be so painful to tell yourself the truth about your parents, lovers or friends (they screwed up, big surprise) that you become hyper-responsible. It’s not helpful to blame all your problems on yourself, e.g., “Oh, I’m just so lazy, it’s all my fault” or “I’m just such a frigging mess, I’ve always been this way.” Blaming yourself or someone else for your troubles will get you nowhere. I suggest an alternative: being responsible.
Being responsible means that you tell yourself (and others) the truth about what happened in the past, see it in context, learn something from it and move on. It’s not about denial: you can’t learn anything from saying, “Well, my ex was a total asshole, oh well, whatever…” How can you learn anything from that kind of verbal shoulder shrug?
John Bradshaw, the author of all those “inner child” books so popular in the 1990’s, said, “Despite the hardships of my life, I don’t blame my parents for the painful events in my childhood. How could I? My parents were wounded children themselves. My Dad was a sick alcoholic and my mother did the best she could under the circumstances.” If Bradshaw blamed his parents for his adult problems, he would be avoiding his own feelings (shame, guilt, anger) and he’d likely be stuck in them. Being responsible is about understanding what happened to us and putting it in context. San Diego author Louise Hay says, “We are all victims of victims.” This sounds pretty damn depressing, until you look at it from another point of view: our parents couldn’t teach us anything they didn’t know, neither could our friends or lovers. Everyone is doing the best they can with the knowledge that they have at that time. Few people deliberately set out to mess with our heads, they just don’t know any better. This includes us.
Many people enjoy playing the victim; it gives you the best excuse in the world for being messed up, immature and bitter. “They did it TO me! Poor helpless sweet little me”. This may have been true when you were a little kid, but are you going to stay a victimized little child for the rest of your life? Blame will keep you stuck there. This sounds good in theory, but how do you pull it off in real life?
If your father beat you when you were a kid, saying it was because he loved you, how do you not blame him? Let’s assume he did love you, but his way of showing it was abusive. As an adult, this childhood abuse has affected you in a certain way. You may have trouble setting boundaries with people because you couldn’t have any as a kid. Having poor boundaries is typical of people who were abused as children. You may even have sexual boundary problems and can’t stop being sexual. Being responsible is a process of accepting what happened in your past and validating it in the present, so you can work through it and be free from this old shit. It means being 100% accountable for yourself NOW, in the present. Blame, on the other hand, sounds like this: “This is how I am and I can’t change it…I hate my dad and I’ll never stop hating him for what he did to me.” Getting out of a cycle like this is impossible: This is why people get stuck in hating and vengeance and typically say stuff like, “I’m not forgiving them, they don’t deserve it.”
Let me share my formula with you: Blame = avoidance. Responsibility = potential for change. If you want to keep on doing the same old-same-old, then stay with your blame. Don’t be surprised, however, when you feel depressed, cynical and bitter. This is where blame takes you. If you want to change your life, start to take responsibility for yourself. Yeah, maybe some nasty shit has happened to you in the past, but what do you want your future to be? If you’re ready to change, seeing the past clearly and (eventually) forgiving yourself and the other “guilty” parties can usher in a new way of living: one full of possibilities and unimagined psychological freedom. The formula doesn’t lie: the choice is yours.
About The Author: Michael Kimmel,LCSW, is a psychotherapist with a private practice in San Diego, CA. Michael writes the "Wellness" column for San Diego's BUZZ magazine Contact Michael at GayFriendlyTherapists.com
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